11 tips to getting over your ex

Trying to get over your ex can be the most devastating experience of your life.

Maybe you’re devouring Ben & Jerry’s chocolate fudge ice cream right now and thinking how in the hell you are going to get over this pain in your heart and be happy again.

You may be in denial and thinking; this really didn’t happen, we’ll be back together again and maybe we just need a break. Or maybe you’re confused and wondering what did you do wrong? Or if you were the one that left your ex, you could be questioning, “Did I really make the right decision?” And usually, we toss and turn over this question when we have yet to find ‘the one.’

If a relationship broke up it needed to. From a spiritual perspective, all relationships offer us opportunities to heal our wounds, teach us lessons needed for our soul’s growth, and ultimately become the best version of ourselves.

Turn your breakup into a breakthrough to figure out who you are on a more intimate level and what you want out of life. This door has closed because it wasn’t meant for you.

The difficult part about letting go of your ex is all the potentials of what ‘could have been.’ It’s more of the emotional experience that you didn’t get, not so much the person. It’s the dreams you had and still have that you’re afraid of not having them come true.

Your dreams still exist; you just need to change the character in your love story.

I’ve had my fair share of breakups where I’ve had my heart broken and where I’ve been the heartbreaker and so I know what it’s like to be on both ends of the pendulum. After going through my own personal healing, I’ve been able to help many other people expedite their healing process and regain their faith in love again.

I’m here to tell you that it’s possible to heal your heart and find peace after a break-up, even if it caused you much pain and grief.

The heartbreak you are feeling right now is the stepping-stone to greater love. I know in the midst of your pain this may be hard to believe, but in order for you to move on from your ex, you need two things: desire and action.

If you have the desire to do the work of healing your heart, you’ll eventually learn to let go, get to the point of forgiveness, open your heart once again, and eventually find true love, if that’s what you wish.

The last thing you want to do right after a breakup is to rush into someone else’s arms. Why? Because your energy will most probably still be at grieve and loss and so your point of attraction will be pointing in that direction. You want to make sure you have left the past in the past, so you don’t repeat.

The following starter tips can help you move on sooner rather than later. Letting go of a relationship does take a conscious effort, but if you commit to the following tips, you can begin to change your energy…and as a result, create the next beautiful chapter of your life.

1. FEEL IT OUT
You need to feel it to heal it. Don’t be afraid of your pain or try to run away from it, (like I did). Allow yourself to experience the stages of a grieving process. If you don’t allow yourself this cleansing process you will remain stuck in the past and subconsciously prevent you from attracting an amazing new relationship.

Give yourself time, and don’t rush your grieving process, however, don’t allow your ex to become your obsession either. There comes a point where you have to decide when you want to fully get over the breakup. Your prescription looks something like this: Grieve – allow- release – let go. Repeat.

You are mourning a relationship loss where you placed all your hopes and dreams. And the only way to get rid of this pain is to allow yourself to feel all of your emotions and have them leave your body. After a while, you will feel that you’re letting go more and more, and eventually, you will have no emotional attachment to the relationship. You will feel relieved and happier than you’ve ever felt.

2. STOP THE FANTASY
What are the facts & what is the fantasy? The fantasy of what could have been and the reality of what really was. Something happens after a break-up where we just focus mostly on the good memories and shrink the bad memories. STOP. Don’t get trapped. Acknowledge both the good and the bad and don’t place so much power on either of them. And stop blaming yourself or your ex.

Take the rose-colored glasses off and stop idolizing your ex. Go back to “why” you broke up in the first place. You may not have all the answers yet, and that’s okay, you don’t need to understand everything in this moment. You just need to trust that your gut feelings are leading you in the right direction. You may not see it now, but this relationship ending may be the best thing that has ever happened to you.

3. 40-DAY DETOX
A 40-day no contact with your ex is in order. I know it’s tempting to check up on him, but this mеаns no peeking at any of his social network, no phone calls, text messages, or driving past his place (super stalking). If you have children, that’s another article. But checking up to see what he’s up to may also risk the chances of seeing him with another woman and that’s not going to make you feel too good. Stalk yourself instead, that’s worth your time. The more you keep checking up on him, the longer the healing process.

Also, get rid of all his stuff from your house that will keep reminding you of him and put any pictures somewhere where they are out of sight because you will be triggered by seeing the pictures. Any gifts he has given you give to a charity or put them away in a box until you have healed. You don’t want them to be a constant reminder.

4. KEEP THE PANTIES ON
During this time of loving you, avoid having sex with someone who is not committed to you and that goes for your ex (the choice is yours of course). Why? Because the sneaky love bonding hormone oxytocin that is released during sex floods your entire body and has you lusting over a man that may not be a suitable partner.

According to research, oxytocin creates an emotional attachment to the person we’re having sex with, which can cause confusion. Your logical brain may tell you that he is not the right guy, but oxytocin seduces you with warm feelings of connection and desire for him overpowering your logic. Later on down the track, this may explain the insanity of why you were attracted to someone who was not even your ideal match.

11 tips to getting over your ex

5. A REASON, A SEASON, A LIFETIME
We’ve been led to believe that all relationships are supposed to last forever. However, some relationships exist for a reason, a season, and some last a lifetime. We equate longevity as a successful relationship, but that’s not necessarily true — joy is the true measure of a successful relationship.

If you feel like you’re a failure because of your breakups, understand that there is not such thing as “failure” — unless of course, you do not learn from your relationships. If you learn from your relationships and use the experience toward your personal growth then, my friend, congratulations you are a success! Consider yourself a lifelong learner, not a failure.

So, no relationship happens by chance. You drew your ex into your life at the level of your consciousness at the time you met. What do you need to learn from this breakup? What role did you play in the relationship? Learn what is needed for your growth to prevent repeating similar relationship patterns over and over again. This gets exhausting.

6. WRITE A GOODBYE LETTER
Write a heartfelt letter to уоur ех and express everything that is weighing down your heart. What is it that you wish you wanted to say but didn’t get a chance to? This helps you get really honest about your feelings and since you won’t be sending the letter, don’t hold back get everything off your chest.

To help you get started, here are some starter sentences for you to complete:

Dear…

What I need to tell you is…

It’s so hard for me to understand…

What I never told you was…

What I miss the most is…

I loved you because…

If you’d only…

I need to let you go because…

At the end of your letter sign off with, “I release you now. Thank you for all the lessons and the love we shared, I wish you well.”

Burn the letter afterward in a metal bowl or tear it up into pieces. Repeat this process as often as you feel the need to.

7. ADD SOMETHING NEW
What have you wanted to do for some time but keep putting off? Is it that dance class? Going to the gym? Taking an exotic cooking class? Travelling? Now is a good time to distract yourself from your ex and pick up a new passion. Immerse yourself into your passions and gifts, and by doing so this will also help keep your heart open. Oh, and according to a research by men, a woman who follows her passions and loves her life is the most attractive thing they can possess. So get going, beautiful!

11 tips to getting over your ex

8. GET INSPIRED
Every morning and before you go to bed, read a paragraph from an inspirational book that will help you with mending your heart. This will keep you on the positive path to one of strength and growth. A few of my faves; Don’t Get Lucky, Get Smart: Why Your Love Life Sucks And What You Can Do About It, Coming Apart: Why Relationships End & How to Live Through the Ending of Yours, Attached, Resurrecting Venus: A Woman’s Guide to Love, Work, Motherhood, & Soothing the Sacred Ache, or Outrageous Openness: Letting the Divine Take the Lead (All fantastic).

9. TREASURE YOURSELF
This breakup is an opportunity to love YOU again and take your power back. This is a crucial time to just focus on yourself and the transition from “we” to “me.” Now is the time when you’re single to get emotionally in love with yourself so you can get into your next relationship feeling strong, confident, sexy, and be the amazing person that you already are.

Ask yourself this question, “What is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now?” And go and do that very thing. It might be: buy yourself flowers; get a new hairdo; cook a healthy meal; drink a glass of wine by candlelight; go for a walk; watch your fave movie etc. Do whatever it is that turns you on and become immersed in the things that bring your spirit joy!

11 tips to getting over your ex

10. GET ACTIVE
Study after study shows that doing some kind of movement releases the happy endorphins in the brain. When you release negative emotions, your thoughts remain in your energy field around you and we become stuck & in a funk when there is no physical movement. Make the time to walk (or whatever you find enjoyable), as this will help you move your stagnated energy. In addition, when you feel physically stronger, you become more confident in who you are, feel sexier in your skin & become a lot happier.

11. HEAVEN HOTLINE
Dial into heaven hotline and pray to God, angels, the universe, whatever you feel comfortable. The point is,  there is an unforeseen loving power greater than you guiding your life and (with your permission) wanting to support you. We are definitely not alone and we are not expected to go through life alone.

There is nothing more powerful than saying a compassionate prayer to the Divine and asking for what you need in your life. Prayer has been a huge source of strength for me and for that reason, I want to share it with you:

flower“Dear God, please help me release my attachment to {insert ex-name} and ask for the condition to be healed. Please change me into someone that trusts this will work out exactly the way it is supposed to for the good of all. Thank you. Amen.”

Take these 11 tips toward your healing and remember, these feelings are not meant to last forever – they will pass. Know that you’ll become stronger, wiser, and evolved than you’ve ever been before and you will get over this breakup and find your glow again.

Side note: Maybe your last relationship was the catalyst to prepare you to become the right person so that you can attract the right person to you…

Love,
Irene